Crawling under a rock and hopefully crawling back out

There is something that happens to some people when they lose their significant other, perhaps more for those who enjoyed many years together, or whose love was particularly fierce. When the one whom they considered their "soul mate" suddenly is no more, you can see the life go out of the survivor. Not immediately--although it does for some--but slowly, over time, you can watch them waste away. Pining, we call it. Some will self-medicate with alcohol or other drugs. Some simply withdraw into themselves. They become that cranky old person, or the even more frightening quiet one that merely stares right through you. We seen countless versions of it in movies. We hear that it happens, but what I never hear about it how it happens. I'd like to take a moment to explain.

Some of you may already know this. Some of you may actually be experiencing this without realizing that it's going on. To a few of you this might be an alien concept; in that case, let this be a cautionary tale for you to take to heart and bring to bear if and when the time ever comes when you need it.

When your beloved dies, your whole world is thrown upside down. Suddenly, a new perspective is thrown upon you unbidden. Your priorities change. What seemed important yesterday seems trivial today. Does it really matter if your socks match? Who really cares? And if they do, maybe they are the one with the problem and not you. That's how it starts. You see someone getting upset over the smallest thing, and you think to yourself, "You think you have problems?? My wife/husband/fiance/boyfriend/girlfriend/whoever just DIED!! What have you got to complain about? Someone accidentally bumped into you in the checkout line? Are you nuts? Lose someone you love and then come talk to me!" What happens is that the death (actually your grief over the death, but let's not split hairs) becomes the litmus test for every single social transaction we observe in life. Like I said, it can be a very slow process, but that is how it works. You hear about an argument, and you shake your head: if they only knew how unimportant that is. With the passage of time, more and more things are added to that list. Nothing can compare to the loss you feel. Until one day, you find out that everything else is trivial. All of it. It's all just noise and a waste of time. In the end, none of it matters.

And it applies to all aspects of life. Nothing is worth doing. Nothing is worth getting involved in. Nothing to get excited about. Nothing to care about. What's the point? This is when drinking and the drugs and the withdrawal kick in, or kick it up a notch. The less you have to engage the "real world" the better. Isolation and loneliness become your antidote to being alone and abandoned. (Hint: telling someone that whoever died "wouldn't want you to be like this" probably won't work because "whoever died" knows how much I loved them and they understand why I'm like this; you cannot expect a rational response where the deepest, rawest emotions are involved. If you don't know what to say, own it. Tell them you can't imagine their pain, and hug them if they'll have it. It will do much more for them.)

One of my favorite sayings used to be "Nothing is Trivial". It was a good, ready-made excuse for all the trivia I kept locked in my brain. Then, suddenly, that all changed. Everything became trivial. When someone close to you dies, your priorities are forced to change. You have to reevaluate everything that ever included that person and somehow figure out a way not to include them. In some cases the answer is a workaround, at least until a better way presents itself. Some things you have to relearn from the ground up, or learn for the first time if it was something the Other was primarily responsible for. And some things, you simply let go of--or stop doing because letting go is the one thing that's so hard. The trick is knowing which is which and when to stop. Reprioritizing is the natural response to your new world. You just need to remember that even though some things may be less important, it doesn't mean they are UNimportant. That's a huge difference.

I have traveled down this road, and the results are not pretty. The house is a mess, the yard is a wreck, I don't like going outside. I don't like going out in public. I would have loved to go to my 40th class reunion, but just...couldn't. It would have been wonderful to see everyone again. Thankfully--and this is why I have said it over and over again--I have you. You will never know--cannot possibly know--how important you have been to me during this period of grieving. I post on my blogs and my social media, and you respond with words of encouragement, and likes and loves and sad faces, when words are not enough or cannot be found. It all means something. Something wonderful for me. It means someone "out there" is listening and someone out there cares. About me.

Over the course of this summer of self-imposed seclusion I have been very fortunate to have a couple of true friends who check up on me daily. Just to make sure I'm still breathing. And I check up on them, too. Because that's what friends do.

I started therapy today, perhaps overdue, but you know me, I like to try doing things myself until I figure out I can't. I'm not in a bad place, but I haven't made any progress lately, and have lost a little ground here and there about some things while gaining ground in others. I already feel better just for having taken  a step. (Plus, it gets me out of the house, right?) Recovery is never easy and you shouldn't have to do it alone. So thank you all again for being there for me when I needed you. And especially you two, who have meant the world to me these past couple of months.

So now you all know how not to become a hermit. It's no way to live. And when you see or hear about some lonely old person, remember my words and don't become them. And maybe, just smile at them and say "Hi". That might be all it takes to bring them out of their shell.

A Day Late: My Easter Message

Copied from my Facebook page.

Here it is. The triple threat Sunday I have been looking forward to/dreading for a year now. It’s Easter. It’s April Fool’s Day. It’s the first anniversary of the worst day of my life. How do I feel? How should I feel? Do I feel?
Today we celebrate Christ coming back from the dead. I can’t say I did anything as dramatic, but I can say I have come back from the death of my one true love Toni. Although my return looks less like Jesus (on the top from Revelation Chapter 1) and more like the reanimated zombie (on the bottom). I have put most of my life on hold for the past year to give my feelings a chance to sort themselves out and function a lot on autopilot. I still have my optimism about the future, but not my zeal. I don’t feel sad today. In many ways it’s just another Sunday (you know, that day before Monday). The sun is shining and the birds are singing. Life (for some of us) still goes on. It’s like a cancellation effect: the good and beautiful are negating the bad and ugly, and I am somewhere in the middle.

One of the reasons I am even writing this post is because I believe you are expecting me to, although I think it’s more like you would be surprised if I didn’t write something; I’m not sitting here thinking you’re staring at your screens just waiting to hit your like button.
But I am also writing this to say something I have said many times before. One of the main reasons, if not THE main reason, I have made as much progress as I have is because of your very constant and very loving support. I don’t know where I would be without all of you out there, sending me your love, praying for me, encouraging me, and of course laughing (or pretending to laugh) at all my silly stuff.
Now will I wake up tomorrow and be all invigorated with the prospects of a life renewed? I doubt that. But even as I miss Toni as much today as when she first left me—left us—I have also gotten used to my life alone. To a point. Becoming accustomed to a new way of life is not the same as enjoying it. Moving forward, I will continue to repair myself and I hope you still take an active role in that. I will expect every day to be better than the last with a lot of setbacks mixed in. I will continue to update my progress with you. And I hope to be as good a friend to each of you as you have been to me.
Enjoy your holiday.

Unplugging the router and rooting the clog

So last night I asked myself, “How many times will I have to hit the reset button on my life?” Is there a limit? I have had to start over more times than I care to count. It’s like being reincarnated without the benefit of dying first. Yes, I will grant that some of my do overs were undeserved; I got second chances that maybe I shouldn’t have gotten. And I am grateful for those. It’s the other ones that trouble me.

Last night I opted for pizza, which meant driving home past the place Toni died on the way to the hospital. (Yes, they revived her for a little while, but for me that was the end.) Every time I drive by takes me back to that gut-wrenching moment. The intensity varies but it’s always the same. Last night was not the worst, but it was worse than usual.

Then this happened. I got to come home to a present—I am assuming from Hercules; the neat placement and sheer scale makes me think so—that I needed to take care of. Now among Toni’s house rules there were two that are relevant here. One that I take indoor floor stools outside and not flush them down the toilet. Two that we never have a plunger in the house, because she didn’t want to ruin the bathroom esthetic. (Some of you are getting ahead of me here; just hold on.) I agreed with the stipulation that we get a snake.

Well, you know me. I’m on my own now and am trying new ways of doing things. I dumped the dump into the toilet—in phases to avoid a clog—and promptly clogged it up beyond all hope. Not wanting to deal with snaking the problem at the moment, I shut the lid and figured I would let things simmer. I quickly used Toni’s bathroom (which had been dormant all these months, to the point where all the water had evaporated out of the bowl), and got on to the evening business. Come this morning the blockage was holding fast. Nothing to do but use Toni’s bathroom again. But this time my stay was longer. I had plenty of time to look around and see a thousand little memories that I haven’t thought of in months. Her makeup, jewelry, shoes, all the knick-knacks I had gotten her over the years...it was kind of overwhelming. And after last night’s ride home...

So all is well now. I gave my toilet one last try before I got out the snake and amazingly it worked. I plugged my router back in after several days of no service, and it worked, too. I went to my job and I worked. Everything is back to normal. Almost. Still working on my latest reset. I wanna unplug. Or unclog. I’ll let you know how it turns out.