The Elephant in the Room

It has been a couple of weeks since my last post. It's not that I haven't had any ideas or inspirations; I just haven't felt like writing. I have passed from the "How is this possible?" phase to the "Why did this happen?" phase. From Shock to Anger and Sadness. Now, I believe I am at the Hope and Remembrance phase. Or something. None of this has to do with the subject of the post, but maybe it explains why there has been a gap. In any event, I am able to communicate again.

There is one aspect of Toni's death that has been mentioned in passing but never really discussed at any length. I think it is related to our weird concept of "respect for the dead", and this might be perceived as a joke and it's part of our "too soon" sensibility. That's rubbish. If someone was a wanker in life, their death doesn't change that. (That whole thing sounded rather British, didn't it? I'll blame that on my watching "Very British Problems" before bed last night...) As far as it being "too soon", nobody liked a good joke better than Toni. Especially the grade school level jokes Ellen likes to highlight on her show. We even had some laughs during her funeral, and that is well where we should have been at the time. Life can be funny sometimes, so why not death?

The elephant in the room that I am referring to is the fact that Toni passed away on April Fool's Day. I believe at some point she realized she was done with this world and thought to herself, "Well, at least no one will forget the date of my passing." You cannot plan the hour of your death, but Death never encountered anyone like Toni, for whom The Plan was everything. That's why punctuality was so important to her: if I made her late for work (by late I mean less than a half an hour early...), it would throw off her whole day. Her routine would be disrupted. For the very few vacations we ever took, we would spend hours plotting and planning the itineraries. Remember, these are vacations, where your time is your own and no one can tell you what to do....I mentioned in a previous post that we were waiting for the neurologist to confirm everything in the morning before we stopped life support. But that would have made it April 2nd. April second is a nothing day and therefore harder to remember. Faced with the change in her life's plan, Toni--defiant to the bitter end (and defiant is an understatement when describing her)--Toni opted out early: April 2nd would not do.

For days and weeks, and sometimes even now, I wanted to believe it was all just a horrible practical joke and at any moment she would walk in the door and say, "April Fool!" And I could hardly be angry with her for such a cruel hoax. I would simply respond, That was a good one, honey. You really got me that time." That hasn't happened yet. I have to believe she is really gone. And yet....Oh, yes; that is the Denial Phase.

I wish I could trade this "elephant" in for a White Elephant, which I could regift to someone else. But I can't wish this off on someone else. My conscience wouldn't let me. I don't hate anyone that much. And I can't trade it in for a Pink Elephant either. That ruined my life once, I refuse to do it again. So because an elephant never forgets, neither shall I. I was a fool for Toni the entire time we were together (and "Why Do Fools Fall in Love" falls well within her love of doo-wop music), and now I will always be her April Fool. Forever. Thanks, Hon. (requisite bit of sarcasm implied...)

A Note About Privacy

When I started this blog, it was because I wanted everyone to get to know the Toni I knew. The world deserves to know about this wonderfully unique and uniquely wonderful person that we recently lost. I needed the memory of her to go on. The Real Toni. What I have come to realize in the last few days is that some things should not be shared with the world at large. Not that there are horrid secrets which must be kept from view (although we all have those, don't we?), but that some things are too private, too personal, and I wish to honor that about her, too. As I was sifting through pictures and papers and memories locked in my head, I came across quite a few things that fall into this category. More than I could have realized.

I found the letters we wrote to our premature baby after she died. I remembered writing them and I remembered having them. But when I read them, I knew they were not meant for any other eyes but our own.

There is the journal she kept, written over a two year span to Captain Jack when he was taken from us. I have only read about 30 pages of its 200+ page heft, but I again see that something that personal ought to be kept that way.

Early in our relationship, she asked me to write her something (I was still pretending to be a writer in those days...oh wait, I still am...) and I did. Pretty sure I'll keep that one to myself, too. I'm sorry, I wrote it for her, not for you.

My intent with my blog post "By The Numbers" was to include all of her medications and their dosages. In fact they were the inspiration for the post in the first place. But I left that out when I wrote the post, not yet fully realizing why. Now I think I do.

Yes, I even have pictures of us that are only for us.

I am not saying that I might not use a quote or two, now and again. Some passages are just too precious not to share. And more importantly would not be a betrayal of trust. But I will not post any of them in their entirety. I owe her that. I owe her a lot more than that. But at least this is something I can do for her.

In the meantime, there is so much other stuff I can share about her, and I believe you will be able to get a fair accurate picture of her, even without ALL the details. She was a larger than life character and it is my privilege to bring her to life for you. I cannot bring her back, but perhaps I can hold her up.