A Note About Privacy

When I started this blog, it was because I wanted everyone to get to know the Toni I knew. The world deserves to know about this wonderfully unique and uniquely wonderful person that we recently lost. I needed the memory of her to go on. The Real Toni. What I have come to realize in the last few days is that some things should not be shared with the world at large. Not that there are horrid secrets which must be kept from view (although we all have those, don't we?), but that some things are too private, too personal, and I wish to honor that about her, too. As I was sifting through pictures and papers and memories locked in my head, I came across quite a few things that fall into this category. More than I could have realized.

I found the letters we wrote to our premature baby after she died. I remembered writing them and I remembered having them. But when I read them, I knew they were not meant for any other eyes but our own.

There is the journal she kept, written over a two year span to Captain Jack when he was taken from us. I have only read about 30 pages of its 200+ page heft, but I again see that something that personal ought to be kept that way.

Early in our relationship, she asked me to write her something (I was still pretending to be a writer in those days...oh wait, I still am...) and I did. Pretty sure I'll keep that one to myself, too. I'm sorry, I wrote it for her, not for you.

My intent with my blog post "By The Numbers" was to include all of her medications and their dosages. In fact they were the inspiration for the post in the first place. But I left that out when I wrote the post, not yet fully realizing why. Now I think I do.

Yes, I even have pictures of us that are only for us.

I am not saying that I might not use a quote or two, now and again. Some passages are just too precious not to share. And more importantly would not be a betrayal of trust. But I will not post any of them in their entirety. I owe her that. I owe her a lot more than that. But at least this is something I can do for her.

In the meantime, there is so much other stuff I can share about her, and I believe you will be able to get a fair accurate picture of her, even without ALL the details. She was a larger than life character and it is my privilege to bring her to life for you. I cannot bring her back, but perhaps I can hold her up.