The real Toni

With the story of her death out of the way, it's time to move on to the much greater story. This part is for all the people who never met my wife Toni, but need to get to know her.

Part Two: Toni's Life

As I mentioned to a couple of people at the funeral, giving a eulogy is an impossible task: you can't encapsulate a person's entire life into a few short words. And when the person is bigger than life, well....for every memory you could mention, there are thousands more that could be. The same holds true for obituaries. You can only touch on a few things that a person did. I am not going to try to reach the goal of telling the full story here. There are way too many seconds in a life. But I do need to put a few thoughts out there.

When people think of Toni, a great many things come to mind. She was strong. She was brutally honest ("if you don't want to know what I think about that, don't ask!"). She always knew what to do. She always gave 100 percent to whatever she did. All of which are true. I was lucky enough to know the flip side of those as well. She was soft-hearted under all that hard exterior. She knew how to lie if she needed to. She couldn't keep anything a secret ("come on! let me tell you what I got you for Christmas!"), but she could keep a confidence forever. Toni could face down any crisis without thinking about it, but afterwards, she would fall apart. She was the go-to person if you needed something done. Done right. Done now. I often told her, most women are looking for Mr. Right; you were looking for Mr. Right Now. She loved to laugh. And nothing made me happier than when I could make her laugh. She often told me I wasn't funny though........

Toni's favorite time of the year was Fall. She was born in the fall. She loved everything about that season. The changing of the leaves, the cooler temperature, of course Halloween. But after years of living with her I can say that Spring came in a close second. The budding of trees and flowers, the singing of the birds, being able to get outside and plant things. She loved the feel of dirt. Especially between her bare toes. (I buried her without any shoes because of that.) Every year she looked forward to hearing the frogs croaking in the creek as the sure sign Spring had come. I am happy to report, she did hear them this year before she passed away.

I mentioned she loved birds. Everyone knows Toni loved her dogs, but she would always get excited if she saw a Cardinal. Or a humming bird. Or how cool it was the year we had Bluebirds make their nest in the birdhouse. How awe-inspiring it was when we'd see the Heron flying over the lake. I can't tell you how many times one or the other of us (sometimes both at the same time) would shout, "HAWK!" whenever we saw one. Let's not forget penguins (that's pronounced "penna-quins"). And even if they aren't birds, we would get bats flying over the back yard that gave her the same kind of charge.

I think people understand that she was not a "people person". She would tell you straight up that she hated people. And meant it. (say what you mean, mean what you say) But if you were one of her people, their was no end to her love and concern for you. Toni did have a soft spot in her heart for a few types of people. She loved children. She was good with them. It was like she was born for it. After 5 miscarriages though, it was enough. She wanted to adopt or do foster care after that, but at the time, I wasn't ready for that, and to my shame, denied her that. We moved on but were changed.

The reason Toni got along with kids so well, is that she still was one. It took her absolutely no time to find out where the kid was at and meet them at their level. All the while in the midst of all the fun, never losing sight of the fact that she was the adult and took absolute responsibility for their safety.

Toni also had this thing about the homeless. If she had change she'd give it to them. If they wanted a smoke, she'd give them a pack. She once didn't have any money on her and had the homeless person follow her to the ATM....I scolded her for that, but knew it wouldn't make a difference....Just last month we passed a guy with a sign by the exit ramp, that I then had to drive to the next exit and back to...hmmm...get money from the ATM to give to him. That was Toni.

Of course she loved her Boys. The stories about the Kessler dogs would (will?) take up a whole bunch of posts by themselves.

She had an unfailing respect for veterans. So when the time came at the Registrar's Office for her to deal with veterans on a regular basis, she never felt more fulfilled about the job. It was an honor for her to assist them, and she could in some small way give back to them. It filled her with a healthy kind of pride.

She also like firemen. They were hero types. Saving lives...you know stuff like that. Somehow, when they were shirtless, it was even better......

Toni was a spiritual person. And she believed in spirits. And she was fun to scare. Words would come out of her as if she herself was possessed. I myself have been the recipient of many of those. Toni was spiritual in a way I could only dream of being. I'm all about the head. Toni was all about the heart. She frequently wore it on her sleeve. You always knew what you were getting when Toni was there. As I looked around at the people at the Visitation and the Funeral, it struck me that all these different people, many of whom had nothing else in common, all knew Toni. (or at least they knew me). But the thing that made me stop and think was that they all knew the same Toni. She wasn't one way with one person and another way with someone else. She didn't care who you were. She was always Toni.

Toni did not by any stretch have any easy life. It wasn't easy growing up as a Thompson kid (and yet they are the greatest family I know). Later on, she had a lousy marriage, which I thought I could save her from. I wanted to be her knight in shining armor. The trouble was I was a wreck at the time. Somehow she saw through that. As badly as I had messed up my life, she was able to bring me back to my true self. A self I thought I had lost. She cleaned me up and made me stand up again. Through all the heartache and illness, Toni stayed Toni. I don't know how she did it. I have folded up a few times in my life. I became someone else for a while. But not Toni.

Toward the end of her life, she physically couldn't do all the things she wanted, but we still squeezed out as much living as we could. We spent all of our time being with each other. Which really is all we ever wanted to do. Going places, doing things were just reasons to share our time. So we just did that at home instead. Go ahead and acknowledge how hard life was on her, but don't ever feel sorry for her. Yes, her life was cut short. Yes, she lost the battle with diabetes. But she won the game of life. She charged at life head on.

In closing, and there are so many things I wanted to say I'm sure, but I'm old now and can't remember everything all at once, let me tell you this. I got Toni one of those Ever Us rings (sure it was a knock off, but we're not crazy enough to spend that kind of money on the real thing when there's dogs to feed...). It made me feel good when I would see her just looking at it like it was the Hope Diamond. There are two diamonds in the setting, one for the True Love one for the Best Friend. I wish now that I had gotten one with three. Toni was and always will be my one true love, my best friend and my Hero. Hero: a person who is admired or idealized for courage, outstanding achievements, or noble qualities. I wanted to save her, she ended up saving me. Maybe we saved each other, which sounds like the way things should work out. We decided long ago to be devoted to one another. We succeeded. So yeah, Don't feel sorry for Toni, and don't feel sorry for me. We both gave it our all, and we have no regrets when it comes to that.

Good night, Toni. Sleep well until morning. I love you.

End of Part Two.