What ifs

When someone close to you dies, at some point you will be surrounded by a cloud of What Ifs. I thought I would share my cloud with you. In hopes that it might fade away. I don’t think that it will, but…what if it did?

What if the car heater hadn't failed the week before she got sick? What if driving to and from work--and then sitting in the parking lot for a half hour--in 20 degree cold made her sick, or at least made her sicker? What if I had gotten it fixed at the first sign of trouble when she asked me to instead of waiting until it gave out altogether?

What if I hadn’t fed her a donut that fateful morning? Or what if she didn’t take all those meds the night before? What if I made her take her insulin before we left for the hospital?

What if I had noticed she wasn’t breathing just a little sooner? Or what if I had tried to get her out of the car to give her CPR even though I didn’t think I could? Or what if I had flagged down a passing car to help me? What if I gave up hope too early? What I didn’t try hard enough? What if…

What if…I failed her in the worst way possible when she needed me the most?

I often wonder—the last moments I was with Toni play like a movie over and over in my head—if between the time her heart stopped beating and she stopped breathing and the time her brain shut down, if she heard me desperately calling her name? When I saw her lifeless eyes staring at nothing, something happened inside me. It wasn’t panic exactly, but it was very much like it. Did I freeze? Not exactly. But it was like I knew there was nothing I could do. Did I give up too soon? I want to think I didn’t; I want to believe there was nothing I could do. But the fear will haunt me for a long time—maybe as long as I live (probably)—that maybe I could have done something more.

It hurts me that she is gone from me. It hurts more to think that maybe she didn’t have to go. Such is the nature of What Ifs. They will tear you up from the inside out. I hope and pray that this cloud leaves me be. Toni would want me to be happy…eventually. Once the grief plays itself out. I hope to honor that wish of hers.

Someday.